Regret
by Mus4u
Summary: Time does not heal all wounds, or make them go away. If you're lucky they fade. If you're not they linger and linger. AU, Dean/Cas, Sam/Jess


I've joined the lover100 community on livejournal! I chose SPN, Dean Wichester as my claim, so expect lots of (99 to be exact!) fics to be coming out!

Disclaimer: I do not own SPN.

* * *

The apartment was too big for just Dean and since Castiel had walked out the rooms didn't shine like they use to. He also didn't bother with opening the drapes. And the plant that Castiel had taken such painstaking care of was wilted and brown. There was a wine stain on the dining room wall from the glass Castiel had thrown on their last night together. The landlord was with holding their deposit and Dean didn't care. He was putting the last few odds and ins into a box before shutting the door for the last time. His brother was over the moon that Dean was coming back to Lawrence; Sam had already set a job up for him in the shop their dad had worked in. He was thankful. It was easier moving half-way across the country when he knew there was a room and steady income waiting him.

He stepped out into the New York summer air and breathed in. Staying in New York had never been in the plans but after he met Castiel two years ago he couldn't think of any place he would rather be. Dean waved good-bye to the twins in apartment 1A and they frowned; they knew the whole story, Molly and Ally had wanted him to track Castiel down and grovel at his feet. Dean didn't tell them but he had tried to do just that but Castiel had fallen off the radar and going to any of his siblings was out of the question. Gabriel had sent him a vivid video of what exactly he would do to Dean if he ever tried to contact Castiel again. And Lucy... Lucy had given him a black eye during the confrontation they had outside her house.

Dean was taking Raphael's advice. Going home was the best option for him.

Dean knew he wasn't being fair to Sam. His little brother was only trying to lift his mood and inviting him out to have drinks with his fiance and friends was a generous offer. All things considered Dean would have kicked his own ass to the curb weeks ago. It was the seventh invite that he had turned down and Dean wouldn't admit that the only reason he wouldn't go out was because he had met Castiel in a bar.

* * *

_Getting a posting two hours outside of New York City was by far the best thing that had happen in Dean's military career, so far. It was an endless party every weekend that he didn't have an assignment and there were a thousand and one places a man could find his less than 'honorary' establishments to go to. It was in one such club that Dean slid up along a particularly handsome man at the bar. His back was stiff as a board and the drink in front of him was untouched. His head wasn't even moving to the music. _

"_You, sir, do not look like you are having a good time." Dean gave his best grin, but the man only glanced at him before going back to looking at his drink. "Okay... I'm Dean," he held out his hand._

"_Not interested."_

"_Hey, buddy, I wasn-"_

"_Of course you weren't." The man flicked his eyes to Dean again before rolling them. "Just as the last seven men also weren't hitting on me." He picked up his untouched drink and took an unsatisfied sip, wrinkling his nose at the taste._

"_Y'know guy, a bar probably wasn't the best idea if you weren't even interested in _talking_ to someone." Dean grabbed his drink to leave; the guy was hot, but not that hot._

_Before Dean could walk away though the guy grabbed his wrist and stopped him. Intense blue eyes stared into his, "Are you?" he asked, seriously._

"_Am I...what?" Dean was a little taken back by the sudden change in attitude. _

"_Interested in talking," he said impatiently._

_Dean stumbled, "Um, yeah, I guess." The stranger slide his fingers across Dean's palm as he wrapped them around Dean's and stood up. "Hey, wait-"_

"_I am Castiel, I know a cafe. They have much better drinks and it is quiet." He tilted his head, watching Dean. He shrugged, why the hell not?_

_

* * *

_

He sat on his borrowed bed; a crumpled photo in one hand and an empty beer in the other. That first night had been amazing. They sat in Castiel's favorite bar for most of the night. Everyone there knew Castiel's name and him bringing Dean was some big deal, the way they all whispered and giggled behind their hands. He hadn't cared. Talking with Castiel was interesting. He could be completely oblivious about the simplest things and wholly knowledgeable on others. He didn't understand half of Dean's jokes and still managed to make Dean laugh at every single one his not-jokes.

Dean flipped the picture over and over, watching the flashes of their happy smiles in the photo. It was their fifth date and it had been Castiel's idea to picnic in the park. Dean didn't question the dated idea and they had an awesome time. He had never fed ducks before. It wasn't six months later that Castiel asked Dean to move in with him and Dean's re-enlistment was up and he made the decision not to put in another four years.

Lately he had been toying around with the idea of going back in. It would give him something to do instead of crashing at his brother's and working in a garage.

"Hey," Sam knocked on the half-open door. "Jess and me wanted to know if you wanted to come out and have dinner with us?"

"Um." Dean stopped flipping the picture. Castiel had taken it, so one of his arms was stretched out awkwardly but he was good and both of their faces were in the photo. At the last minute Castiel had decided to steal a kiss; so his lips hovered almost touching. "Yeah." He tossed the picture into the open nightstand drawer and slammed it shut. "Where we going?" Sam looked ridiculously happy at his agreement to go.

* * *

"_Are you sure?" Castiel asked for the millionth time._

_Dean sighed and stopped the slow progress he was making off kissing up Castiel's jawline. "I've told you a hundred times. Yes, I'm sure."_

"_Because you can remain in the Corps and live off base. There are no rules saying otherwise." Castiel narrowed his eyes, watching Dean._

"_Cas, I've been in the service for over a decade. I'm ready to do something else. And I can't kiss you where ever I want if I'm in the Corps." Dean started his journey again. _

"_I just wa-" Dean nipped his ear. "Dean, this is a-" Then his neck. "And once you make the decision you cannot-" Dean sealed his lips over Castiel's._

_When Dean pulled away they were both breathless. "Yes I can. It's an honorary discharge and I'm more than welcomed to re-enlist." Dean kissed Castiel again, "Stop worrying," he whispered against his lips._

_

* * *

_

They didn't ask him what happen between Castiel and him. He didn't blame them. When Sam and Jess had come to New York to visit them they had been disgusting with all their lovey-dovey stuff. Their father's best friend, Bobby, had dragged it out of him one night after Dean had traveled up to Bobby's to stay the weekend and help him out around his old place. Dean had been a few beers and even more shots deep when Bobby gave him an eye and raised a brow.

"What?" Dean growled, knowing where the conversation was going. "I don' want t'talk about it."

"You're gonna have to talk about it sometime." Bobby wasn't going to rush it, fully confident that Dean would wear down quickly and spill faster.

Dean grunted, "We said things- did things. Assholes." He rubbed his head. He didn't want to talk about it. "Castiel...proposed," Three months later and it was still awkward to think.

Bobby's eyes widen a bit, "That's...big."

"You tellin' me." Dean made a grab for the bridge of his nose and pinched. Damn tears, not now. "I said...let me think about it." Bobby grunted but didn't interrupt. "I did something stupid-"

"Don't tell me you went out an-"

"No!" Dean cut him off. "I didn't cheat. I just wanted to unwind so I went to a bar after work. Had a few drinks, danced and then left. But Castiel had been at home putting together a great meal. I guess he thought..." A lone tear made a silvery streak down his cheek. "We said a lot of terrible things to each other and then Castiel left." And Dean didn't see him again. Castiel didn't even come back for his stuff. He instructed, through their mutual friends, that Dean leave it alone and he would come back for it after Dean moved out completely.

Bobby patted his shoulder in his comforting way but Dean didn't feel much warmth from it. "Dean ya gotta get out of this funk. It's not good for you." Dean didn't answer, except standing up and walking away.

* * *

Going back to New York was probably a terrible idea, but Dean had spent three years living there and had enough connections to want to go back and see those friends again. And six months was long enough to be able to at least go back. It helped that Sam and Jess were coming along and he wouldn't be alone in the Big Apple. Molly and Ally were ecstatic to see him again and didn't mention Castiel or what he was doing once. Dean wouldn't admit that he was disappointed.

The five of them were having dinner at one of Castiel and his favorite restaurants and it surprised Dean that the feeling of anguish that he thought would be there was absent. Oddly enough, that thought made him depressed. It wasn't like he wanted to be hung up on the one that got away, but it didn't feel good to know there was something like moving on was happening.

"I heard you were in town." Dean turned to find Gabriel standing behind him. Sam tensed to his right and Molly started to say something but Gabriel talked over her, "Oh, lets not get our panties in a bunch. I come in peace." Gabriel looked him over, "God you look worse than him."

Nothing, no money, threats or even Castiel himself would get Dean to admit his stomach flipped at that statement.. "Do you have a point, Gabe?" Ally snapped.

Gabriel ignored her and kept talking to Dean. "So Castiel has been a total pain in my side and if doesn't move out of _my_ apartment soon I'm going to kill him. I imagine our mother would be disappointed in me. Do something about it."

"What can I-?"

"I don't care what. Just make my brother smile again and get him out of my hair." Gabriel turned on his heel and walked away.

Dean righted himself in his seat and found four pairs of eyes watching him. "What?" he snapped.

"Well?" Molly and Ally exclaimed together. "Are you going to go get your man?"

"I-um..." Hadn't he just been entertaining the thought that he could be finally moving on? But since Gabriel had mentioned Castiel his stomach had done nothing but flip and twist around. There was an itch in his body, he wanted to get up, run out of the restaurant and knock down the door to Gabriel's apartment.

Jess reached across the table and touched his hand. "You at least owe it to him and yourself to go and talk to him." Sam nodded in agreement.

"Yes!" The twins agreed.

Dean stood up and pushed his chair in. "Maybe I should wait-"

"No. Go now, Dean," Sam urged. He didn't argue again. Why argue when his heart was already half-way across town.

Castiel wasn't surprised when he opened the door to find Dean standing there. He did glare, "Gabriel," he muttered under his breath. "What do you want?" He turned away from the door and Dean took it as an invitation; he stepped into the apartment and shut the door softly.

"I..." Dean trailed off, rubbing his neck nervously. The whole cab ride over he had tried to think of what he was going to say if Castiel opened the door. "I thought we could talk."

Castiel looked at him from the corner of his eye. "We did enough talking during our last confrontation, don't you think."

"Then maybe I should – I should apologize." Dean swallowed, "I'm sorry." Castiel's hand clenched into a fist.

He sighed suddenly, shoulders slumping. "Have a seat," he gestured to the couch. "Do you want anything to drink?"

"N-no, I'm good." His hands were shaking and Dean wasn't sure he trusted his tumbling stomach to handle anything. Castiel took the chair across from him, keeping the coffee table between them. Dean couldn't relax enough to lean back so he sat perched on the corner of the cushion. "Cas, I-"

"You haven't been eating," Castiel cut in, something like concern flashed across his eyes. Dean shrugged, Jess was always complaining about how little he ate.

Dean tried to smile, then joked, "You don't look so hot yourself, y'know." And Castiel didn't. His hair, which was always in a certain state of disarray, was longer now and even more unkempt. He hadn't been home long from work but still his tie was already loose and Dean wondered if Castiel realized he had missed a button this morning.

Castiel dragged his hand through his hair and it stuck up in all different directions. "No one sees me through the phone." Dean use to tease him about being an over the phone salesman, and didn't stop the small smile.

"True." Dean let himself relax a little bit, but he was still tense and his eyes wouldn't leave Castiel. It was hard to believe he was sitting in the same space as him. The silence stretched between them and Dean started to fidget. "I meant what I said. I am sorry, Castiel."

Castiel nodded, his eyes not meeting Dean's. "I am, as well." He glanced at him, "We said many hurtful things." Dean's heart thumped in his chest. He wasn't sure what hurt more; being there with Castiel after half-a-year or that they couldn't even look at each other. "I trust y- trusted you. I shouldn't have..."

"Me too. I- You didn't ruin my career." They stumbled to an awkward stop. "I should go." Dean bolted to his feet and Castiel was standing as quickly. "I should go. It was-" _great, amazing, fantastic_ wanted to spill out of his mouth but it was all too much. Too chick, too soon, too...

Castiel finally made eye-contact with him, "Yes, it was." Castiel walked him to the door and opened it. "I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay." Dean nodded but couldn't find any more words, he stepped out the door and turned to say one last good-bye. Castiel's hand shot out and wrapped around Dean's bicep. "Dean, will-"

"Yes," Dean stepped closer. The word was heavy between them. "_Yes_." His hands hovered near Castiel but he didn't know if he should.

"How much longer will you be in the city?" Castiel's voice shook but the words were clear.

"Four days." Dean finally let one hand touch Castiel.

"Have lunch with me tomorrow." Dean didn't trust his voice so he nodded, Castiel nodded back, then took a step away from him. Dean took one also and let his hand fall away from Castiel. "See you, Dean." He shut the door softly and Dean's body went loose with how tense it had been. Then a smile erupted, and it felt good to be doing that again. He touched the door once before turning away. Tomorrow they'd have lunch and from there...they'd go from there.


End file.
